No One Told You About the Rage: The Hidden Side of Motherhood
No one tells you about the rage. The irritability that that festers throughout the day. It can be exhausting. It is exhausting.
Here’s the thing: almost every mom that brings up the mom rage in sessions is asking “is this normal?” Almost every mom that is experiencing this level of irritability is asking “how do the other moms do this?” They’re saying: “I know the kind of mom I want to be, yet I keep ending up snapping at my kids, at my husband… I need better ways to cope.”
So yes, no one tells you about the rage. They warn you about exhaustion, about the tears, about the way your body might not feel like your own for a while. But the anger: it feels like a this shameful secret no one prepared you for.
Maybe it shows up as irritability, the kind that makes even the smallest request feel unbearable. Maybe it comes as an outburst, sharp words you wish you could take back. Maybe it’s quieter, turning inward into resentment or guilt, making you wonder, “Why am I like this?”
Consider a common scenario many new moms face:
You're trying to put your baby to sleep. They're overtired and fighting it: squirming, crying, arching their back. You bounce them, you sing a lullaby. You try all the tricks but nothing’s working. Your arms are tired, you feel touched out, and the minutes keep ticking past bedtime. Frustration; that’s all you feel now. You're anxious… it's getting late. You’re angry because you're still here, still doing this, when you thought you'd be done by now.
You feel the tension now. That familiar burn of resentment or rage begins to build….
Could it be that what you’re really feeling is the expression of an unmet need? Maybe you had planned to take a shower after bedtime, finally grab a snack, or finish the episode you started earlier. Maybe you just wanted a few minutes of silence to breathe. And now that window is slipping away.
This isn’t just about the baby not sleeping. It’s about you needing something too. And that need being pushed aside again.
It’s not about the anger itself. Anger is a response to unmet needs. It’s about what’s underneath the anger.
What Is Maternal Rage?
Maternal rage isn’t just the occasional frustration of parenting; it’s the kind of anger that catches you off guard, that makes you feel out of control, that leaves you filled with shame afterward. It can look like:
Snapping at your child or partner over something small.
Feeling irritated by constant noise, touch, or demands.
Wanting to scream, throw something, or just “get away”
Shutting down emotionally because it feels like too much.
This isn’t about being a “bad mom.” It’s your nervous system pushed to its limit.
Irritability: The Warning Sign
Irritability is often the first indication.
It builds slowly: the overstimulation of little hands pulling at you, the mental load of remembering everything for everyone, the way your needs keep getting pushed to the bottom of the list.
Mom to mom tip: start to notice what happens when you’re just starting to get irritated. Do you hold your breath? Tap your fingers? Clench your jaw? Maybe your shoulders tense, your voice gets sharper, or your thoughts start racing. These are your body’s early warning signs: your cues that stress is building. That’s the time to walk away, take a breath, or give yourself a moment before it’s “too much”. You don’t have to wait until you’re snapping or yelling. Catching it early gives you a chance to reset, take care of yourself, and show up the way you want to.
Some of the biggest contributors to irritability include:
Overstimulation: The relentless noise, mess, and constant demands can make your body feel like it’s on high alert all the time.
Exhaustion: Sleep deprivation and chronic fatigue leave little room for patience.
Emotional Overload: Carrying the weight of everyone’s needs while feeling unseen yourself.
But here’s the thing: Irritability and rage don’t exist in a vacuum. They are shaped by the systems we live in.
The Role of Unmet Needs and the Weight of Generational Expectations
We talk about maternal rage as if it’s just a problem to manage. Something we have to get over. Often moms come to therapy saying “I need to learn to cope better.”
It’s essential to acknowledge that while developing coping strategies is important and achievable, addressing maternal rage involves more than just reactive measures.
Rage is a messenger. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we can ask, “What is my anger trying to tell me?”
Maternal rage is deeply connected to unmet needs, both personal and collective. It’s not just about what’s happening in your home: it’s about the expectations placed on mothers, the lack of support, and the generational cycles we’ve been handed.
Consider these layers of unmet needs:
Physical needs: When was the last time you got enough sleep, ate a real meal, or moved your body in a way that felt good?
Emotional needs: Do you feel supported, heard, and valued… or are you running on empty, always giving without receiving?
Relational needs: Are you carrying more than your fair share of the mental load? Do you feel like a partner in your relationship, or more like a caregiver to everyone?
Cultural and ancestral burdens: Are you holding the weight of sacrifice, perfection, or silence passed down through generations? Have you been taught that a “good mother” gives endlessly, even to her own detriment?
For many mothers- especially those from collectivist, immigrant, or historically marginalized communities- there is an added layer of pressure. The expectation to be strong, to endure, to never complain. The idea that struggle is just part of motherhood.
But what if we weren’t meant to mother in isolation? What if the rage isn’t a flaw, but a call for something different?
Decolonizing Motherhood: A New Way to Hold Our Rage
Western narratives of motherhood often center individual responsibility: if you’re struggling, you just need more self-care, more patience, more personal effort. But decolonized therapy reminds us that healing isn’t just personal; it’s collective.
What might it look like to mother in a way that isn’t about survival, but about connection and liberation?
Reclaiming rest: Rest is not a luxury. Current culture is one that glorifies burnout. Rest is a necessity to fight the fast pace way of our society.
Redistributing labor: You are not meant to do this alone. Naming and shifting the invisible load is an act of reclaiming balance.
Breaking cycles of silence: Many of us were raised in environments where anger was unsafe or suppressed. Giving yourself permission to feel and express it (without shame!) is a radical act.
Finding community: Healing happens in relationships. Who are the people that see you? Who can you ask for help without guilt?
Breaking the Cycle with Small Steps
Maternal rage is a sign that something needs attention, and that healing is possible. Some ways to begin:
Pause and notice: Instead of fighting the anger, get curious. What are you feeling before the rage? Overstimulation? Exhaustion? Loneliness?
Self-regulation tools: When the anger rises, grounding techniques can help (deep breaths, stepping away, holding something cool in your hands).
Name your needs: You deserve rest, support, and boundaries just as much as anyone else. It’s okay to ask for what you need.
Shift the self-talk: Instead of, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try “This feeling is telling me something. What do I need right now?”
Call in support: Whether it’s a friend, therapist, or cultural healing space, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
You Are Not Alone
If no one has told you this yet: You are not a bad mother for feeling anger. You are a human being with needs, limits, and emotions that matter.
Maternal rage thrives in silence and shame. The more we talk about it, the more we realize: we are not alone, we are not failing, and we are allowed to take care of ourselves too.
Your rage is not just a problem to fix. It’s a story to listen to. A call for something different. A reminder that you, too, are worthy of care.
